Questions to ask before marriage in Islam

Many marriages do not fall apart over something big and unexpected, but over something that could have been talked about before the nikah and was not. Where we will live. Whether we want children, and when. What praying means, and whether it means the same to both of us. These questions are not unromantic. They are how you say "yes" knowing who you are saying it to.

Why ask early

The Prophet, peace be upon him, advised seeing a prospective spouse before proposing, "for that is more likely to bring love between you" (Tirmidhi, An-Nasa'i). Getting to know each other before marriage is not a formality in Islam; its purpose is to find out whether this is someone you can build a life with.

The earlier the questions are asked, the less time is lost and the fewer people get hurt. If you disagree on something fundamental, it is better to find out in the first week than after three months of messages and family introductions.

Faith

• How central is faith in your life, and what does that look like day to day?
• Do you pray regularly? How do you picture faith in our home?
• What do you think about hijab — for yourself, for your wife, for daughters?
• Do you follow a particular madhhab, and does it matter to you that your spouse does?
• How do you picture our children's religious education: weekend school, Qur'an, everyday life?

The aim is not to find someone "religious enough", but someone whose path in faith is close to yours and who wants to grow with you.

Children

• Do you want children? If so, roughly how many, and when?
• Do you already have children from a previous marriage? What is the arrangement?
• How do you see sharing the care of children?

Where to live, and moving

For Muslims living abroad this is often the most important question, and it is usually asked last.

• Where do you want to live in five years? Here, back home, somewhere else?
• Would you consider moving for marriage? Under what conditions?
• Do you want to live with your parents, near them, or independently?

Work and money

• What do you do, and how do you see your work in a few years?
• How do you picture sharing expenses and decisions about money?
• What do you think about interest-based loans and mortgages, and do you have debts?
• What do you expect about a wife working outside the home?

The mahr comes later, as you move towards the nikah, but it does no harm to know how the other side thinks about it.

Family

• What is your relationship with your parents like, and how involved will they be in our life?
• Who makes decisions in your family, and how are disagreements settled?
• What do you expect of me towards your family?

Character, communication and conflict

• How do you behave when you are angry? What do you need to calm down?
• How do you apologise, and how do you accept an apology?
• What has hurt you most in past relationships — with family, friends, at work?
• How do you spend your free time, and how much time alone do you need?

There are no right answers here. What matters is that the answers are honest and that you can live with them.

Health

If there is a chronic illness or condition that will affect life together or children, it should be talked about before marriage. Honesty here is not shameful; keeping something important back is unfair to the other person.

What not to ask

Islam does not ask people to uncover sins that Allah has concealed. The Prophet said: whoever conceals a Muslim, Allah will conceal him (Muslim). So do not ask about the past out of curiosity, and do not expect a confession. Ask about what affects life together today: obligations, children, debts, health, and who the person is now.

How to ask without it becoming an interview

• Not all at once. A few questions per conversation, not a questionnaire.
• Answer too. A question is an invitation for you to open up as well.
• Listen to the answer, not just whether it is "right". How someone talks about their parents says more than the answer itself.
• Have a mahram there. Serious conversations are easier when they are open, and family often notices what an infatuated eye does not. See Who is a mahram.
• Do not run from disagreement. If you disagree on something essential, that is an answer, not a failure.

How Niyyah helps you ask what matters first

A Niyyah profile already answers many of these questions: relationship with faith, prayer, madhhab, hijab, timeframe for marriage, moving and children. Situations show how someone thinks about marriage, communication, resolving conflict, family, faith, finances and parenting.

And with Questions before chatting, you set up to three questions that matter most to you. After a match, the other person answers them first. You read the answers and only then decide whether the conversation opens. That way you learn what matters most before the first message, not after three weeks of chatting. More on how Niyyah works.